Michael Caine turned 82 years old today.
But don’t, even for a moment, think that means he’s your everyday 82 years old. NAH-UH. NEVER. Michael Caine is Alfie. Michael Caine is The Italian Job. Michael Caine is Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and The Dark Knight, and The Iprcress File, and The Cider House Rules, and Hannah and Her Sisters, and The Man Who Would Be King, and Sleuth, and A Muppet Christmas Carol. (<– And don’t you dare tell me you don’t love A Muppet Christmas Carol because how can you not.) And lest we forget … he’s also a Knight.
See, it’s really quite simple:
Michael Caine is Michael Motherfucking Caine.
Partied with Cary Grant? Been there. One-upped Steve Martin? Done that. Consistently been mainstream cinema’s saving grace? Yep, that’s him. (See Interstellar, The Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception, Children of God, you name it.)
Fact is: Michael Caine is 100 times cooler, hipper and sexier than ANY of us will EVER be.
And it’s about time we all just accepted it.
So here it is.
Submitted for your approval, in no particular order, are 10 soul-crushing ways that Michael Caine is sexier, more talented, and just plain better at everything than all of us, curated by our very own Diana Drumm.
Happy Birthday, “My Cocaine.” You gorgeous, glorious bastard.
#1. Because saxophone foreplay.
#2. Because even his bad jokes are funny.
#3. Because how many octogenarians have ever graced the cover of Esquire?
#4. Because he gives zero fucks.
#5. Because he loves his wife. No, he LOVES his wife. “[Caine’s] solution for getting rid of women who come on to him: “I just show them my wife. They give up instantly!”
#6. Because he totally hung out with Cary Grant.
#7. Because “not even the rain has such small hands.”
#8. And because you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
#9. Because he OWNED 1966.
#10. And because no one can do Michael Caine like Michael Caine.