BREAKING: TRUMP VOWS TO “GET RID OF THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS”

GOP FRONTRUNNER THINKS PRESERVATION FINANCIALLY “WASTEFUL”

As reported early this morning by CNN and HuffPost, Donald Trump, in a phone interview with Fox News’ Steve Doocy, claimed as President of the United States, he would seek to cut-out all unnecessary spending. When pressed for specifics, the GOP frontrunner dismissively quipped, “Well, I think we spend way too much on organizations and departments that just ‘save’ stuff. For instance, I’d make a move to get rid of the Library of Congress.

Trump continued, “Y’know what? Old books, decomposing newspapers, pansy artwork and a bunch of black and white movies about women and illegal immigrants have no business being “protected” with our hard-earned tax dollars. My first act as President would be to dissolve wasteful branches of government like the Library and that Kennedy Center for Peforming Arts stuff, and sell the material to China for huge profits.”

The statement caused a surprisingly quick response from Acting Librarian of Congress David S. Mao. Having just been named to the position by retired Congressional Librarian James H. Billington this past October, Mao did not foresee such inflammatory attention being brought to his doorstep so quickly, “The threat of dissolution of the Library of Congress is unprecedented,” Mao stated in a missive sent to AP. “It’s not within the scope of the Presidency to deny such funding.”

David S. Mao, Acting Librarian of Congress
David S. Mao, Acting Librarian of Congress

Mao went on to define the depth and breadth, and impact such a cavalier undertaking could mean. “We are the largest library in the world, with over 162 million items. Books, films, photographs, audio recordings, maps and manuscripts, our collection is unprecedented. To lose these vital touchstones to all of civilization would be catastrophic.”

When asked to respond, Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, issued this statement: “The President of the United States appoints the Librarian of Congress and can just as easily “unappoint”him. Mr. Mao should be more concerned with his ancestry, which sounds a little Communistic, if anything.” CNN’s Anderson Cooper attempted to reach Lewandowski live on air following the statement, but was informed the campaign manager is currently focused on his arrest for battery against a female reporter.

As expected, the statement caused shockwaves across social media.  Martin Scorsese, proponent for film preservation, immediately tweeted: “Inconceivable. Drumpf (referring to Trump’s real name) will destroy the United States of America as he dismantles our heritage.”

Casablanca, 1942, starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, could be destroyed
Casablanca, 1942, starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, could be destroyed

At press time, UCLA Film and Television Archives, AFI, The Paley Center for Media and the Hubbard Celebrity Centre International all chimed in with vows to step in and archive as many of the films involved as possible. Dr. Jan-Christopher Horak, UCLA Film and Television Archive Director issued this statement: “Edison Kinetoscopes, Citizen Kane, To Kill a Mockingbird, Lawrence of Arabia, I could go on and on. These are our International life’s blood. And that’s just the films. Only one of three known Gutenberg Bibles are housed in the Library of Congress. Mr. Trump is actually heralding the Apocalypse.”

Surprisingly , there were voices of support. When questioned, the Cruz Campaign commented, “We’re not ready to comment, however, the country needs to make some tough decisions, and the Library of Congress does fit the criteria of wasteful spending.”

The recently released "Rosa Parks Papers," could potentially be on the "burn list"
The recently released “Rosa Parks Papers,” could potentially be on the “burn list”

Attempting to return to the spotlight, Sarah Palin tweeted: “To Kill a Mockingbird? Isn’t that a racist, Klu Kux Klannigan movie to begin with?”

Lou Lumenick, Entertainment Columnist for the New York post responded, “The entire movie industry has successfully transitioned to digital. There really is no reason to store so many prints of film.” He went on to observe, “Batman v Superman was shot, edited and shown without any film footprint at all. And that really is the apogee of moviemaking.”

We will continue to update this story as more information reaches us.

Over 700,000 rare books, including the recently acquired Thomas Jefferson library, could be sold to China, under Trump's plan
Over 700,000 rare books, including the recently acquired Thomas Jefferson library, could be sold to China, under Trump’s plan

6 Comments

  1. Very good April Fool’s joke. Though seriously I wouldn’t be surprised if Trumpy would do something like this.

  2. Destroying evidence of history is not eradicating it, merely setting the stage for repetition. Someone said that once.

  3. This is the first I’ve heard of this one. Can’t find it anywhere else… maybe it’s made up? I doubt we the people would ever let this happen. Mr. Trump talks off the top of his head sometimes (remember he’s not a professional politician) & once he has a chance to think it over; he’ll change his mind.

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